Stop Living Someone Else's Life

Many of us live by a script. A parent’s idea of success, a profession that looked sensible, a version of adulthood copied from people we admired. It works until it stops working.

Carl Jung put a warning about exactly this near the start of The Red Book. In his fortieth year, by his own account, he had everything he had wished for. He wrote that he had achieved “honor, power, wealth, knowledge, and every human happiness”, and then his desire for more drained away.

On the same page he refuses the role of teacher: “I will be no savior, no lawgiver, no master teacher unto you.” We take that seriously. This is a practice you try, not a person you follow.

The unlived life, and the warning

Two pages after the warning, Jung says what he thinks the alternative is.

He then sees the obvious objection and puts it in the text himself: “Should I also live evil?” The voice he calls the spirit of the depths answers that what decides is well-being, “not your well-being, not the well-being of the others, but only well-being” (p. 234). In plain words: this is not permission to do whatever you like. It is a call to live what is truly yours, and to count the cost to others.

Why we copy

Eighteen pages later Jung gives a blunt reason. In the same passage he says that if you do not acknowledge your own yearning, “you do not live your life but an alien one.”

“Apishness” is his word for imitation. The fear underneath is ordinary: if I do it my way, I may be alone, and I may fail.

A small, safe step

1. Ask one question. What have I always left for someone else to do, say or try?
2. Choose something small and harmless. A class, a conversation, a piece of work you would normally hand over.
3. Do it once this week. Notice what you feel. Do not judge it yet.

What the research adds

There is a modest line of evidence for the idea that goals you actually own work better. Sheldon and Elliot (1999) found that people pursuing goals consistent with their own interests and values put in more sustained effort, and gained more well-being when they reached them. The participants were university students. It does not prove Jung right, and it does not tell you what your own life should be. It suggests that borrowed goals are a poor engine.

It takes time for a new self to feel real, which is what we call identity lag. If you are weighing a large change, such as leaving a job or a relationship, do not use this article as the reason. Talk it through with people you trust.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does Jung mean by apishness?

In The Red Book (p. 249) apishness is his word for imitation: living by copying others. He says we cannot give it up for fear of loneliness and defeat.

Does Jung tell us to live out everything we have repressed?

No. He raises the objection himself, asking whether he should also live evil, and answers that what decides is well-being, not only your own and not only that of others (p. 234).

Is there evidence that living by your own goals helps?

Sheldon and Elliot (1999) found that people pursuing goals in line with their own interests and values sustained more effort and gained more well-being from reaching them. The participants were students, so treat it as a hint, not proof.

Short films from this research — follow on TikTok.